James and I have been talking a lot the last couple days about a lot of different things. Money, weight, work, kids, stress etc etc. I have come to the conclusion that my life was meant to be difficult and a struggle.
We have a strong faith in God, but sometimes it just feels like your alone in life. I know God is faithful, its us as his children that are unfaithful and lose sight of Him. I am just so tired of struggling for everything, tired of barely making it, tired of worrying about bills and rent being paid on time. I am tired of worrying about food, not for myself but for my kids, I don't want them to be hungry. When my kids need something or we need something for the house or for one of us, I just want to be able to go get it and not worry about whether spending $2 on deodorant is going to be ok or if its going to mess things up...yep $2 whole dollars!! That's how bad it is sometimes and sometimes we don't even have it so it has to wait till next payday and then...that's money that is taken away from other things that we need to get or a bill that we need to pay. $2 shouldn't be something that we should have to worry about! James works hard and he makes better than minimum wage but gosh dang, its like he would need to be make twice as much as he does! And if I got a job nearly all my money would go to daycare, so whats the point!?
Thankfully I have learned to coupon some but I am no expert and I still am not saving what I would like to be able to. I did really good shopping for school supplies and with coupons, sales and employee discounts I spent probably $20 on supplies for 3 kids and still have some stuff left over!! That is something I am proud of. But I want to be able to supply my children with things they need, WHEN they need them...not 2 weeks or more down the road! I'm just sick of being poor...that's what it feels like anyway. I know we are NOT poor, there are so many people out there that are in worse shape than we are, so yes, I am thankful for what we have. And I know that God will provide us the things we NEED (not the things we WANT) and he has been faithful to us. But sometimes I feel forgotten and I feel like we are going through things we shouldn't be going through. Its hard to see people around you, friends, family and just people in general having what seems like a fairly easy time with things...paying bills, buying things they want, going places etc etc. Now, I know that money is not everything and material possessions are nothing and don't mean a thing...you can't take them with you! But having money there to use or spend if you would like sure would make things easier! Heck, I would just like to be able to have enough to pay all the bills (and keep them current) and the rent and have enough left over to buy gas to last us the rest of the week and to buy toilet paper and shampoo etc etc. I hate having to worry about gas...right now our gas tank reads IN THE RED and I don't think we have much in the bank to get enough gas to last us till next payday...maybe tho, luckily we live fairly close to everything so we don't use much gas.
But I would like to be able to not worry about it, for instance...if we need to go pick up Shelby or drop her off, it would be nice to just fill up the tank (probably twice lol) and go do it! Instead of having to borrow money from Dominique or family. I hate borrowing money from Dom, that is her money that she worked hard to earn and I don't think its fair to her for us to borrow her money. She doesn't mind but I don't like it. And I hate borrowing from family, its not their job to help us with that stuff! Or if we want to go visit Roseburg on one of James' 4 day weekends...it would be nice to just get the gas and go and not have to worry about how its going to effect our bills!
I'm tired of not being able to see Shelby like we should. I know part of it has to deal with the fact that we live about 8+ hours away from each other, but seeing her 2 times in one year I don't think is fair. I know she has things going on and friends she is hanging out with and stuff but we are her family and we have the right to see her when we are supposed to. And I think both sides to need to work together equally to make sure it happens like it is supposed to. And I am just gunna leave that at that...anymore I say would probably upset someone or piss someone off and that is the least thing I want to do...
I am tired of spending my time during the day cleaning and straightening things and organizing, making everything look nice and clean to have it messed up again within a hour or so of being done with it. I am tired of my children not listening to me and arguing with me when I ask them to clean up their messes. Funny thing is, when they start getting things out or making a mess I remind them that they will have to clean it up when they are done, at the time they say, "yes mommy" and its no big deal, but when it comes time to do the chore, its another story. I am tired of repeating myself a gazillion times before something gets done. I am tired of feeling like I am the only person who cares about how our house looks, I swear, sometimes I leave things on purpose, hoping that someone else will take the initiative to take care of it or clean it up, pick it up and throw it away...whatever needs to be done, but nope, usually I am the one to take care of it in the end. James helps sometimes, he does the mopping and does his dishes, he mows and weed eats the yard, and he will do laundry sometimes...but I feel like 90% is left up to me. Sometimes I just wanna give up and leave it all!
I am tired of having to walk around on egg shells so that I don't piss off Dom and have to listen to her yell and scream at me because I asked her to do something she does not want to do, or I said something the wrong way. I am tired of the attitude and disrespect that I get from her and I am tired of the arguing. I know part of it is because she is a teenager but I think there is more behind it and I think sometimes its worse than normal teenage stuff.
I am tired of being fat...yes, part of this is my fault and I know there are things I can do to fix it. Though I do not understand why I am as overweight as I am, I do not eat a lot, but when I do eat is usually in the evening. I do not eat much during the day so by the time I can sit down and eat its late and then after I eat I go to bed...no time to use the energy so it turns to more fat! If I lost 100Lbs, I would look really good! I wish I could get there. Its hard with 4 kids and a house to take care of, diet alone can't do it. And when I do have the time to get out and "work out" I am too darn tired and just want to sleep!
I'm tired of seeing people get away with things they should not be. Getting things for free when they don't need it and can afford the things themselves, working the system and lying to the government. Its not fair to those people that really do need the help. The help is there for those that need it, not because you want something for free so you have more money to spend on other things for yourself. I hardly buy anything for myself. When I shop, I shop for my kids and things that are needed at the house. We as parents have to put our kids first. Yes, we need to take care of ourselves, but our children come first.
Guess I am sick and tired of a lot of things. Maybe you are thinking that I am full of BS and I need to stop complaining. I don't feel this way all the times, just right now I am feeling like this a lot lately. I don't like feeling this way, I would rather feel happy and not worry or think about these things at all! I love my kids, don't get me wrong, they are my whole world, them and my husband, without them I would be nothing, I would not know what to do with myself!!
I am happy for my children, my husband and my family and friends, I love them all. I am glad for what I have, please don't think I'm not. I am just tired of going through things over and over again...obviously I am tired of many things as you can see. Some of it I know is normal stuff and daily life (especially with the kids) I'm not saying I shouldn't be going though it, I'm just tired of going though it as much as I am I guess lol. So call me a loser, a BS'r, complainer, whatever you want, this is just how I am feeling lately. It will go away eventually, I've gone though this before...
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